The art of relating to ourselves and to each other has long been an area of extensive attention, discussion and research. Perhaps it is our fear of being alone (Jeffers, 1987) that means that the establishment, development and maintenance of relationships has and continues to receive constant media attention and has resulted in the proliferation of both research based publications and popular literature. We have numerous popular books in recent times on how to relate to ourselves (Covey, 1989; Jeffers,1987; Robbins, 1991), how to relate to our children (Biddulph, 1993; Montgomery & Morris, 1988) and how to relate to our partner (Anderson & Cotton Fite, 1993; Gray, 1992), as well as an enormous number of academic publications examining these areas of interpersonal relationships.
No area of interpersonal relating has received more extensive examination than that of the relationships between couples. Societal changes and our increasing rate of divorce have added urgency to our need to continue to examine the area of couples’ relationships. As the proportion of our population who are divorced has risen from 0.15% in 1911 to 6.4% in 1996 and with this rate rising by 12% over this last decade (ABS Divorces) our increased understanding of adult relationships and marriage takes on heightened significance.
Further the correlation between health and well-being and marriage, separation and divorce has been highlighted in numerous studies over a number of years (McAllister, 1995; Waite, 1997). Studies of morality (Hu & Goldman, 1990; Larson, Swyers, & Larson, 1995), morbidity, (House, Landis & Umberson, 1988), adult suicide (Dominion, 1991) and depression (Stanley, & Markham, 1997) all reinforce the importance of intact adult relationships on health and emotional well-being.
Added to this is an increasing body of research that recognises the negative implications and the effects of parental separation and divorce on children and adolescents (Demo & Acock, 1991). The Western Australian Child Health Survey (Silburn & Zubrick, 1996) the largest of it’s kind in Australia, although not specifically looking at parental separation and divorce, identified children living in step/blended or one-parent families were at higher risk of developing mental health problems than those living with their original families.
An increased understanding of interpersonal relationships remains a priority if not now a necessity. This research aims to continue to enhance our knowledge of couples’ relationships by comparing some of the differences that may exist between married and/or defacto relationships which have remained intact for six years or more and those relationships which have resulted in separation and divorce. This research also attempts to gain a further insight into couple relationships by asking both groups their advice on maintaining a successful and lasting relationship. Further questions and advice are also directed and elicited from both groups in four keys areas of relationship conflict and disagreement for couples which are often discussed in the literature (Campbell, 1980; Gray, 1992).
These being:
Participants
In this research 574 interviews were conducted with 287 opposite sex couples (each partner was interviewed separately) who had been together in their present relationship for six or more years. A further 290 participants (209 females and 81 males) who were separated and/or divorced were also interviewed. This involved a total of 864 interviews being undertaken.
Materials
A structured interview schedule was used for all interviews. The format was developed in consultation with field practitioners involved in counselling and consideration of relevant literature. The interview schedule both for participants who were couples and for separated and divorced individuals, were substantially similar to allow for comparisons between both groups across four main areas, being issues of communication, child rearing, finances and sex.
The interview schedule for the participants who were couples, excluding demographic details, consisted of 21 open-ended questions. The interview schedule for separated and/or divorced participants, excluding demographic details, consisted of 17 open-ended questions. Several questions differed between interview schedules: in the couples’ questionnaire, a further question relating to how their partner made them feel loved was also included. The interview schedule for separated/divorced individuals differed from the couples’ questionnaire by the inclusion of a question pertaining to the major reasons for their resultant divorce and/or separation.
Procedure
All participants were interviewed by undergraduates as partial fulfillment of their course requirements. Interviewees were selected by the undergraduates and interviews were conducted over a three to four month period. The majority of interviews were conducted at the home of the participants with couples being interviewed separately. Each interview took on average 45 minutes to one hour.
Data Collection and Analysis
Most interviews were taped with the consent of the participants and later transcribed or if the participants did not consent to audio taping, written notes were taken by the interviewer and later transcribed onto the interview schedule. The transcribed material was then subjected to thematic and content analysis.
All qualitative data contained in the open-ended questions was coded, clustered and summarised through a process of selecting and teasing out information. This analysis involved the adaptation of the procedures used by Zemke and Kramlinger (1985) and included: generating a list of key ideas, words, phrases and verbatim quotes; using ideas to formulate categories and placing ideas and quotes in appropriate categories; examining the contents of each category for subtopics and selecting the most frequent and most useful quotes and illustrations for the various ideas.
Of the 287 couples in this research by far the majority, (226) were legally married. Of the 290 separated/divorced individuals the majority, (195) had been married to their ex-partner. Of these, 144 were now divorced from their ex-partners.
When both groups were asked what first attracted them to their partner, although a sense of humour, eyes and general personality were mentioned, how their partner physically looked was the main attraction for both males and females.
When couples were asked to describe the type of things that their partner did to make them feel loved by them a range of responses were identified. For females the most often mentioned characteristics that made them feel loved were the showing of affection (hugs, kisses, touch) and the giving of small gifts. This was followed by their partner verbally expressing their love. While males gave similar responses, they also suggested further nurturing aspects in the relationship including having meals cooked for them, their house cleaned and their children cared for as being equally important to their feeling of being loved.
When the separated/divorced individuals were asked to identify the major reasons for the breakdown in their relationship a range of responses were mentioned. However, the two main reasons given by participants were a lack of effective communication (25%) and infidelity (23%).
When both groups were asked about some of the most difficult issues they had faced in their time together responses varied between the two groups. Of the total of 40 issues identified by couples, the main issues were child rearing (22%), closely followed by financial issues (20%) and then parental/family interference (15%) and death in the family (11%). For separated/divorced individuals, a total of 33 issues were identified but the results were more scattered across issues, with financial issues (23%) being by far the main issue followed by personality differences (10%) and child rearing issues (10%). Work issues (9%), parental/family interference (9%) and alcohol/drugs (9%) made up the other main issues mentioned by separated/divorced individuals.
Although the separated/divorced individuals either did not comment or gave very few suggestions for how they dealt with these issues with their ex-partner, couples provided a range of suggestions for the main categories, which they had identified.
For child-rearing issues, most couples dealt with this issue by discussing together disciplinary action for the child and reaching agreement. They also stated that they shared the parenting responsibilities and provided mutual support for each other. In dealing with financial issues, couples suggested that they resolved these issues by discussing the situation and deciding on a course of action, which often involved a tighter budget. When looking at issues of parent/family interference, most couples dealt with this by not seeing the family any more and/or supporting and prioritising their partner about their family. When death occurred in the family, couples again talked of supporting and comforting each other and often of maintaining their faith.
When asked as to what advice they would give on how to resolve conflicts and disagreements in relationships, both couples (76%) and separated/divorced individuals (66%) suggested that honest and effective communication was the main key to conflict resolution. The main communication suggestions from couples included addressing issues as they arose. Further, having the ability to compromise and respect their partner’s viewpoint, not allowing negative emotions (e.g., anger) to play a part in the discussions and the need to sometimes take "time out" to gain a perspective on the issue before communicating with your partner were all important.
A further question on what advice they would give other couples on how to communicate more effectively with each other provided a distinct difference between the couples’ group and the group of separated/divorced individuals. Although both groups suggested dealing with issues immediately, talking freely, regularly and openly, it was only the couples who suggested that compromise and consensus are important skills for more effective communication. The term "compromise" was seldom used by any participants in the separated/divorced group. Further, the comparison across genders for both groups highlighted that females also suggested that professional help (e.g., counselling) should be sought to enhance communication, a view not shared by male respondents.
Other differences also arose between both groups and genders when asked what advice they may give others on how to maintain a satisfying sexual relationship. Although both groups suggested talking to each other about needs and expectations, it was predominantly the couples who also suggested the need to be sexually creative and to make the time to fulfill each other’s needs. Further, it was only the female participants in the couples’ group who also commented on the need to show affection outside of the bedroom.
When asked for advice for couples on issues to do with finances, both groups gave four main suggestions involving good communication with each other, setting a budget, identifying realistic goals and working together to achieve these goals.
Finally, when all participants were asked to summarise what advice they would give another couple on how to maintain a successful and lasting relationship with each other numerous suggestions were made.
There were many factors identified by couples as important in contributing to a successful and lasting relationship, however, the single most important suggestion was that of the need for good communication. Next in importance were concepts of commitment, being prepared to work hard and to accept the "ups and downs" of the relationship and of life in general. This was then followed by terms including honesty, love, and respect and gaining pleasure from time spent together.
For the separated/divorced individuals, good communication was again the most important response, followed by honesty, love and respect. However, the themes of commitment, working hard and accepting the "up and downs" of life and relationships were not considered as significant by separated/divorced individuals.
The responses to questions asked in these interviews, and the advice given by the participants, as expected, touched upon the four areas identified by the pre-existing literature (communication issues, parenting issues, financial issues and sexual issues). Not surprising was the advice given by both groups on the importance of honest and effective communication. What was somewhat unexpected was the identification of issues relating to parental/family interference for both couples and separated/divorced individuals and death in the family for couples as major difficulties in the relationship.
We have always endeavoured to provide quality counselling to assist couples to communicate more effectively with each other. This study suggests that we may need to also consider how to assist couples to effectively communicate with others, including their own and their partner’s families, not only in relation to perceived interference i by the outside family in their lives but also in dealing with grief when the life of a family member has ended.
Further, the predominance of financial matters as a major issue faced for both couples and for the separated/divorced group suggests that effective couple counselling must also address the importance of this issue. Although the development of good communication skills can greatly assist couples in dealing with any difficulties, being able to talk openly about financial issues may simply not be enough. Budgeting, consolidation of loans, developing a share portfolio and using a credit card for example may be openly and honestly discussed in a relationship but if the couple lack the skills, expertise and knowledge to deal with these issues of financial planning, the relationship may still suffer.
Therefore, a future direction for effective couple counselling may well incorporate not just "matters of the heart" involving communicating our emotions, feelings and ego messages about each other, but "matters of the head". These involve the teaching of "skills" to deal with finances, as well as the extended family and the other challenges which life inevitably presents.
A further point of interest to arise from the study was the advice given by couples as compared to those from the separated/divorced group. It was the couples who made numerous and various suggestions in relation to all questions pertaining to advice on communication, sexual issues, finances and child rearing. Although the separated/divorced group did give some advice, it was somewhat limited; suggesting that in their previous relationship the creative ideas identified by couples may have not been considered by this group.
Another major difference between couples and those who were separated/divorced related to a marked difference in the advice given in relation to keys to a successful relationship. Although both groups did make a number of similar suggestions, it was only the couples who spoke of concepts of compromise, consensus and commitment in dealing with conflict and difficulties. It seems that these "3C’s" and a "4th C" (suggested by the females in the couples), - counselling were elements present in the relationships of the couples but not identified by the separated/divorced group.
It was the couples and not the separated/divorced group, who suggested that these C’s combined with the concepts of working hard together and riding out the "ups and downs" in both the relationship and life, were the "keys" to a successful and lasting relationship.
This initial study provides some useful insights in comparing both successful and unsuccessful relationships and the key differences in the advice given by both groups in dealing with many issues faced by couples. It also identifiea some useful directions to be considered by those wishing to provide effective counselling to couples in the complex area of such interpersonal and intimate relationships.
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* Judy Esmond PhD and Julie I. Dickinson are both lecturers at Curtin University and Ann Moffat is an undergraduate in the School of Social Work, Curtin University, Western Australia