INTRODUCTION

We would hazard a guess that just about every single one of us has read, heard or experienced (either firsthand or through family or friends) both the positive and negative outcomes which can emanate from separation and divorce. Whilst many of us might immediately recall negative outcomes, on the positive side divorce can herald new opportunities for personal growth. It can give rise to much self-examination and improving upon past self-defeating behaviors leading to a greater acceptance and challenging future (Krantzler, 1974).

Whilst the majority of past research in divorce has tended to focus upon child and parenting outcomes, there appears to be limited research into the effects of marital separation on men, or more specifically that which addresses the effects on the non-custodial father. One major longitudinal study conducted in Australia by Jordan, (1985, 1996) shows that the non-custodial* father may experience a number of physical and psychological symptoms such as depression, low self esteem and high anxiety (Reynolds, 1979, Gilmour, 1983), that they may face difficulties in terms of adjusting to newly structured roles and identity outside of the marriage,

(Burns, 1980), and that for many, loneliness becomes a pervasive and ongoing factor (Ambrose, Harper & Pemberton, 1983). Further, the psychological and emotional effects immediately following separation for the non-custodial father are often experienced concurrently with a variety of practical issues which require attention particularly if he leaves the matrimonial home and his children. Some examples of ongoing adjustment issues might center around financial difficulties concerning the payment of child support whilst simultaneously re-establishing a new home for his children to visit, maintaining, regaining or increasing contact time with his children, for example in cases where none is occurring, Contact Orders are breached and other issues such as having parenting or safety concerns about the children as the non-custodial parent etc.

Having worked for some time now with this group in a non-government agency, we have identified relevant issues affecting the immediate and ongoing adjustment for this minority group in the contemporary climate of increasing separation rates and newly defined family structures. Accordingly, this paper reports on a particularly unique and successful family support program and discusses such issues and presents a working model to assist other professionals who are working with or come into contact with this marginalised group.

The Lone Fathers Family Support Program is offered through Lifeline in Perth and currently aims to assist any contact/access (i.e. non-custodial) and residential lone father to achieve a fulfilling life with his children. It began in Perth in 1979 under the auspices of "Churches of Christ Christian Welfare Centre" initially providing family support and home visits to fathers who were facing the task of raising their children alone. It became a program of Lifeline in 1979 and today is partly funded by Family and Children’s Services of Western Australia. Currently it consists of seven paid staff and three volunteer staff.

The service has parallel objectives — to provide both practical and emotional support in terms of enabling clients to deal with crises, assisting them to develop their knowledge and skills to prevent future crises occurring, to develop their parenting and life skills and linking fathers to create social networking. It offers home visits by three fully-trained and experienced field support workers, residential camps, outings, picnics and a bi-monthly newsletter to residential fathers and their children. It also provides a total of three well-attended "Dad’s ‘n kids" playgroups for residential fathers with pre-school aged children in different areas of Perth coordinated by field staff and Early Education Officers from Family and Children’s Services. The service provides face-to-face counseling , telephone counseling, provision of resource information and education in relevant government policies, laws and guidelines, advocacy, liaison services and referrals. There was also a need to develop a "Part-Time Fathering program" to address relevant issues and frequently asked questions by the fathers. Community professionals are invited to speak on topics of most concern to the fathers. These groups consist of no more than 10 fathers and meets once a week for a period of 6 weeks culminating in a weekend camp for themselves and their children. A total of four programs were run during this year however a lack of funding will impact upon their availability in the future. The feedback from such groups has been extremely positive and has proved beneficial in linking fathers together. It has now evolved into a self-help group with minimal facilitation from a volunteer staff member.

Today, the agency continues to offer this valuable yet limited service some of the many families in the Perth metropolitan area. In 1997 there was a total of 6,790 single father families, a ratio of 1.4% of total families with dependents (compared to 9.3% headed by single mothers) within West Australia (ABS, 1998). Whereas there are no figures available on the number of non-custodial fathers in each State or nationally, we can get a rough picture by considering family structures and looking at the national figures on children who live in a family where a natural parent is living elsewhere, which is more likely to be their father (88%) than their mother. The 1997 census data shows a total of some 4.6 million children (aged 0-17) in families Australia wide, of which some 860,000 had their natural father living elsewhere. A further 102,800 children were identified as living with one natural parent only, but no other parent was reported as living elsewhere which may be due to death of or loss of contact with the other parent (ABS, 1998).

It has only been over the last two and a half years that the service has evolved to include non-custodial fathers within the target group. With the focus being on family — and more specifically the father’s important ongoing role after separation, (which is reinforced through principles of the recently updated Family Law Act (1996) and recognises the responsibilities as opposed to rights of both parents), the service has become more widely known and during that time the demand for services has dramatically increased. Office statistics show an increase from a mere 600 contacts made per annum to a massive 3,300 during the 1997/98 year. This support to non-custodials has been provided mainly through phone support (2,456) and face to face consultations or counseling (833).

In terms of the non-custodial client base, an estimate of around 60% would be what we term as in the "early days", that is immediately and up to 6 months following separation. This can be a particularly stressful and vulnerable time particularly if the support networks are limited or non-existent, there are financial difficulties and problems in obtaining contact with children or the client is simply overwhelmed by the tasks that need to be addressed. A further 25% of clients would fall into the 6 months - 2 year post separation range where ongoing adjustment issues in terms of role restructuring, identity development and relationship difficulties are prevalent. Approximately 10% of clients have been separated for over 2 years and may/may not have formed new step/blended family relationships. These clients may be experiencing problems with regards to relationships/contact with their ex-spouse and children from their first marriage which in turn may be impacting upon their current relationships or alternatively to issues around newly formed adult relationships. Research shows that whereas the majority of men reported moving on from acute levels of distress in the early days to a level of coping reasonably well with life some one to two years after marital separation, they also indicated that they were carrying with them deep feelings and attitudes of grief and hurt (Jordan, 1996). Lastly, approximately 5% of clients are residential fathers and/or their children who may have parenting or personal concerns, parent-child conflict issues or are seeking specialist counseling for their children.

Before we examine the effects of separation on the non-custodial father, it is important to consider gender differences in early socialization processes (particularly in emotional development) and the ways in which these processes impact upon adult manhood. Research suggests that the development of sex-role stereotypes begins at birth, if not before and as the child grows, the differential treatment of the two sexes continues and intensifies. Stereotypical characteristics assigned to males such as independence, aggression and competitiveness reflect competence, rationality and self-assertion whereas females are stereotypically characterised as being warm, caring and nurturing reflecting a more expressive nature (Ruble, 1983). Other components such as physical characteristics and occupations have been identified which suggests that these stereotypes are salient and deeply ingrained patterns of thinking (Deaux & Lewis, 1984).

Within our culture boys have been traditionally raised to suppress their feelings/emotions and present an outward appearance of control, strength and toughness. Such behaviour is more often reinforced and rewarded by family and the wider society in business, careers and politics for instance. It could be hypothesised that these early processes tend to build a wall between men and their emotions whilst allowing women a comparatively free access (Chiriboga & Cutler, 1979). Men are not trained in introspection or the communication of that analysis, much less in making small talk that ultimately can lead to deeper levels of intimacy (Rice & Rice, 1986). To expose these feelings may show them up as being vulnerable and weak (Scher, 1981). Literature in contemporary men’s psychology emanating from the Men’s Movement suggests that it is this lack of introspection/inner understanding in boyhood and the building of the ‘walls’ which causes "a boy’s spirit to begin to shrivel very early in life, until (often as not) he loses touch with it completely."

By the time he is a man, he has learnt how to "pretend", and that "much of what men do is an outer show, kept up for protection" (Biddulph, 1995 p1). Proponents of the Men’s Movement would agree that the three enemies of men today are loneliness, compulsive competition and lifelong emotional timidity and that whereas women had to overcome oppression, men’s difficulties are with isolation. Biddulph (1995) also suggests that boys in our society are "horrendously under-fathered and that they are not given the processes or mentor figures to help their growth into mature men, …. that their friendship networks are awkward, oblique, lacking in intimacy and are often short term" (p 3). And whereas today whilst both men and women may be demanding emotional fulfillment in marriage, it may be that men have the greater handicap in this regard (Rice & Rice, 1986, Kranztler, 1975).

Considering these factors, it is understandable to see why men might have a bad track record for seeking out professional help prior to or following separation (Burns, 1980, Gilmour, 1983). Jordan (1985) found that overall 2 out of 3 men sought no help and comments that "clinical experience suggests that women often make appointments on behalf of their partners and continue to take responsibility for such matters" (1996, p. 53). It should be noted however, that the help seeking behaviour was measured through subjects contact with the Brisbane Registry of the Family Court Counseling Service of Australia. Interestingly, such findings are partly reflected in that approximately 10 — 20% of calls made to our agency are from mothers, sisters, ex-spouses or new female partners who express concern for the physical and/or psychological well-being of the man. Whereas they are seeking reassurances or information to pass on to him, the exchange often appears to provide mutual reassurance. Many callers express their shock and gratitude over the existence of our service and what it has to offer.

The literature on men and marriage suggests that marriage has more to offer to men than women (Gove, 1972), that they are more attached to marriage and are less likely to initiate separation or divorce (Burns, 1980, Kitson, 1982, Jordan, 1996). Given also that the attachment bonds to each other are stronger in the case of men than women (Bloom & Hodges, 1981, Brown, 1980), it is not surprising to find that the patterns of personal and emotional problems are initially more severe for men (Bloom, Asher & White, 1978). This was one of the important consistent findings in Jordan’s (1996) follow-up study. It found that men were affected to a significant degree at the time of the actual separation, that they experienced a lot of negative feelings along with an increased deterioration of health. They complained of sleeping problems, reduced energy, poor appetite, excessive tiredness, tight muscles, headaches and crying, which would strongly implicate depression in clinical terms. In practice, clients have also expressed experiencing disturbing dreams, lack of motivation and a sense of hopelessness about the future. Other frequent psychological consequences which can become apparent over time are low self-esteem, lack of self-worth, depression, and often the client can experience a conflict of emotions such as anger, pity, sorrow, guilt, love and forgiveness simultaneously. In the more severe cases, the impact of separation can lead to thoughts of homicide and suicide and it is not uncommon to counsel clients who possess such pervasive thoughts. This experience in practice, is also supported by research which established an association between separated males and suicide (Cantor and Slater, 1995).

As stated, one of the central components of the post-separation adjustment is the individual’s emotional reactions and if one considers that separation contains elements of loss, as in bereavement (Ambrose et al., 1983), it is an indication that grief counseling plays a significant role in assisting the non-custodial father come to terms with his loss/es. These include the loss of attachment figures, the loss of earlier defined statuses and roles (such as husband, father, friend, provider etc), and the loss of identity that accompanies the changes. When such losses are also combined with the loss of a former way of life, of the family home etc., the non-custodial father faces a greater vulnerability initially than the residential parent who remains in the home with the children as this may act as a buffer against immediate psychological distress (Rutter, 1987). Further, the notions that emotional attachments can remain for some time after separation and prevent recovery from the sense of loss indicates that facilitating recovery through grief counseling is important for future adjustment (Gibson, 1992, Johnston & Campbell, 1988).

In the "early days" (up to 3-4 months following the separation), it is likely that the client will be in a state of shock, disbelief or denial about the marital breakup. And whereas the perceived reasons for the breakup by clients are many and varied, a vast majority describe it as unexpected and unwanted which is substantiated by the research (Jordan, 1985, 1996). The client may experience all of the emotional states (except the final stage of acceptance) in the process of grieving over the space of one week, one day and even one hour in the "early days." Some remain angry and continue to blame their ex-spouse for some time after the split, even for years afterwards. Residual bitterness or anger may be manifested and continually played out in difficult relationships with ex-wives for any number of reasons such as disputes over property, child contact issues, new partners or relationships that are disapproved of and financial problems. The father may become "stuck" in the anger phase of the process which, in some cases can become potentially dangerous if directed towards the wife or children. In these cases, the role of the therapist is vital in facilitating the father to redirect his anger into more productive activities such as the practical issues which require attention and help him to focus on short and long term goals — usually centered around the father role. For others, the issue of trust — of recognising it, of believing it and of regaining it can present a challenge to the client following separation as it will affect new relationships in the future.

As a therapist, the most pervasive emotions I witness in sessions during these "early days" is the deepest sense of loss and sadness over earlier family life, the hopelessness and futility of moving forwards and the fear of what the future holds. Those of much concern are the young fathers (around 20 — 25) who have babies (6 months — 18 months) and usually have had minimal input into the child’s life to date. These young men in particular find it difficult to come to terms with separation, as they are especially concerned about the type of future relationship they will have with their child as much of the early bonding appears to be with mother. The grief is often compounded in cases where postnatal depression may be partly implicated and he feels helpless to do anything.

These emotions are reflected in a client’s letter to his wife following separation:

Needless to say, the value of building rapport, listening empathically and establishing the client-counselor relationship based on mutual trust and respect cannot be underestimated in these early sessions.

With regards to the affective responses, we have found it useful to adapt a model which can be specifically applied to non-custodial fathers, (from verbatim reports) from earlier work by Kubler-Ross (1970) (see Attachment 1). This is particularly helpful for use in the initial interview for assessing levels of emotional trauma, available coping resources and may indicate the clients immediate needs to the counselor.

The immediate emotional reactions towards the separation however should not be viewed as isolated experiences, as they can and are influenced by problems in other areas and can affect subsequent difficulties in interpersonal, family and practical spheres. For instance, grieving the loss of attachments and earlier roles in counseling often brings to light other unresolved losses or relationship difficulties which can impact upon the mourning process. Whilst this can compound the feelings of grief and despair, it can also help the client to acknowledge and express any displaced emotions if or when they arise. It is not uncommon in practice to hear about the ‘loss’ of his own father figure whether through death, divorce or in emotional terms at an early or significant stage of development. The client may express a need to address issues around their own ‘father hunger’ (Biddulph, 1995) which can present an opportunity for exploring earlier psychosocial aspects of development. It can also create an opportunity to learn more productive ways to relate to his own children in the future.

It is the loss of the father role and status as defined within the marriage/relationship however which is often the most traumatic concern for many non-custodial fathers. In each of the studies carried out by Jordan (1985, 1996), findings indicated that men’s sense of losing their children was the most powerfully expressed feeling. The author suggests that "despite the termination of the marital relationship, most wanted their fathering role to continue, that it was a dream they pursued regardless of the circumstances" (1996, p.48). Similarly, experience from practice would highlight this position. The reorganising of a new role with their children is a task which is often the longest and hardest struggle. For some, it is only at the point of separation and immediately thereafter that they may be forced to take a closer look at their earlier relationship (particularly the emotional aspects) with their child/ren. Some authors have hypothesised that it is the newly defined father’s role that accompanies the loss of daily interaction with a child that is responsible for the extent to which an absent father stays involved with his child/children (Ihinger-Tallman, Pasley & Buehler, 1993). All of these factors imply that the redefinition of the non-custodial father’s identity is a crucial aspect of his adjustment especially where the children are involved. This can be made more difficult when conflict levels with the ex-spouse over parenting issues predominate.

It is precisely due to this strong desire to remain in his children’s lives that creates the need for reorganising , restructuring and sometimes, relearning about the parent-child relationship. Along with the grief counseling and attending to practical matters this aspect becomes the third aspect of a 3-pronged approach to adjustment post-separation. We would suggest that it is primarily the focus on the fathering role in the vision of "his new family" which is behind the success of the Lone Fathers Family Support Service. The father’s ongoing role in his child/ren’s development is viewed as being extremely important in the ongoing development of both father and children and we aim to provide him with the resources to facilitate his "new" position as a non-custodial father.

There is sometimes a perception by the ex-spouse and others that the man is coping relatively easily with the separation and that they don’t really need or want any support through the "early days". Such perceptions or ideas are maintained by virtue of the cultural stereotypes; that whereas outward appearances suggest he is handling it in his stride, any form of emotional concealment on the part of the male can reflect and maintain this idea. The notion of emotional concealment developed by Eichenbaum and Orbach (1983) might take the form of redirecting the true pain and hurt of their loss/es into other areas of their lives such as in work, sport, new activities or a series of short-lived relationships, whilst others conceal it through increased substance abuse or acts of physical violence for instance.

In fact, a significant factor in adjustment is the support networks that are available, or more importantly, those of which the father can turn to and be heard at this time. Consistent with the research, we have found that for these men there are often limited or no sympathetic support networks available (Jordan, 1985). Typically, former networks of friends disappear especially if the father becomes bitter or depressed (Jordan, 1985). My findings from practice is that many extended family members offer/allow the son or brother a period of around 6 — 8 weeks to recover after which time they are expected to have either "gotten over it" and are told to "move on with your life" or, in some cases are advised to "forget about the kids because she has them". In this respect, the client-counselor relationship is extremely important in providing an environment which facilitates the father being "heard" (often for the first time in his life) and clearly understood. Many times, clients have said; "no one knows that about me, …. I’ve never even told my wife that" or "what am I telling you all of this for?" expressing a shocked tone that someone has at last heard their side of the story. Some non-custodial fathers become frustrated if they perceive that no one is listening to them, especially the government departments they must negotiate. Here, the service provider can offer resource information, education on policy, advocacy service and support the non-custodial father to manage the practical issues which serves to reduce some of the frustration.

Practice suggests that the way in which these issues are dealt with post-separation is also a factor in adjustment, given that they are experienced concurrently with the emotional aspects. Resolving certain issues or representing himself in Court etc. can raise self confidence. It can also present a forum to practice more effective communication skills which may be taught in the counseling sessions. This, in turn, can raise levels of self esteem. Several of these issues are highlighted here, however to date, no empirical research into the contribution they make upon the levels of distress or trauma has been conducted (Berman & Turk, 1981).

Usually, the fathers who make contact with the agency are experiencing a variety of different crises and they are attempting to deal with the matters whilst in a state of grief/hurt/anger. Some of the major issues center around child support payments which are calculated and require payment shortly after separation and difficulties in seeking contact with the children from the beginning or from a breach of an existing Court Order which will most often require the non-custodial father to file an application in the Family Court. The non-custodial father is also usually attempting to set up a new home and make it comfortable for his children for existing or future overnight/weekend contact visits. In many instances, the non-custodial father will incur further financial cost which can stretch his funds to the limit and tends to significantly increase stress levels already being experienced.

The non-custodial father will invariably come into contact with a variety of government agencies, predominantly the Family Court, Legal Aid and the Child Support Agency amongst others. If one of these agencies is the very first port of call immediately after separation, either by phone or face-to-face, the client may be expecting a sympathetic or understanding reply in discussing their situation, when in fact the business-like manner of the phone operator or front desk person usually comes across as an indifferent or negative. Many clients have discussed this nature of the contact with certain departments and, whereas at first I was dismayed and questioned certain responses, over time it does appear that in many instances this is correct. Although we remind clients that public service workers are there to do a job as opposed to provide counseling to them, nevertheless an understanding of the process that these men are experiencing may serve to create better relations. Furthermore, these early interviews can play an influential role in the impact and overall adjustment to separation by non-custodial fathers and color their dealings with the departments in the future. To this extent, it is important that counselors/therapists working in this area have a sound knowledge and understanding of relevant government policies, guidelines and related laws in order to provide resource information and referrals to clients. The negotiation of the instrumental tasks can also provide the opportunity for learning new coping strategies which can positively impact upon the adjustment process.

Research has found that adjustment to separation can be measured in terms of the coping resources available (Berman & Turk, 1981). In this regard, the application of a transactional model of stress as proposed by Lazarus & Folkman, (1984, 1988) has been utilised in conjunction with the eco-systems model as it applies to the non-custodial father. This model of stress emphasises the transaction between the person and the environment and proposes an interconnection between emotional responses and the efforts made to cope with the situation which is particularly appropriate to this client group. It can indicate specific needs of the client to the counselor throughout the process of adjustment such as when to provide appropriate information or teach new interpersonal skills etc.

In terms of stress coping, a meta-analysis conducted by Matheny, Aycock, Pugh, Curlette & Canella (1986) suggests that an integration of various models that incorporates both preventive and combative strategies may be useful to deal when dealing with a stressor that has already occurred, such as separation. This taxonomy for dividing coping resources is particularly useful when working with non-custodial clients who are experiencing psychological and emotional issues concurrently with practical requirements. Using this model, preventive coping is aimed at preventing further potential stressors from occurring such as escalating conflict with the ex-spouse or continuing financial difficulties and for building resources to resist them such as learning more appropriate communication skills, or managing on a budget etc. Combative resources are those that tend to be drawn upon to alter or mitigate the separation such as using tension control strategies, like relaxation, extending social support networks and the use of problem-solving strategies. A combination of both of these types of coping resources are continually required in the adjustment process. Some examples might involve the education and self-representation in Family Court matters, preparing review applications in child support matters, linking with other non-custodial fathers and exploring and choosing the most appropriate options over issues like parent-child contact etc.

We have adapted the key concepts of this model to assist in working with clients, a copy of which is attachment to this paper (Attachment 2).

Jordan (1985) found 2 in 3 men sought no help at all following separation. The follow-up (1996) study revealed that the majority of men who did seek help did so from their friends or family (36%) although some 31% had sought help from marriage guidance agencies. Others had found the assistance they sought not to be helpful at all and their general comments often referred to the inadequacy of services for men (1996). This raises questions about whether there are sufficient relevant services available and from experience we would suggest that this is the case. Jordan (1996) suggests that services which refer to "managing stress and trauma" may have more an appeal to men than services referred to as offering "counseling." Whilst we would partly agree with this notion, we would propose that it is the application of the parallel objectives approach by service providers which as proven most beneficial and effective for clients. The provision of a supportive environment wherein the non-custodial father is treated with unconditional positive regard as he works through the grieving process whilst simultaneously providing information and advice to assist in managing the practical issues offers the opportunity for raising self esteem and can contribute positively to father’s restructured role/s. The experience in practice shows that if negotiation of the "early days" phase has been accompanied by a sense of genuine support, the client is more likely to approach the service again when and if any ongoing adjustment issues arise or there are difficulties with new relationships or newly structured families in the future.

In addition to this approach, we believe the Lone Fathers Family Support Service has achieved and sustained its reputation due to several other factors that require mention. Firstly, as a program of a non-political organisation, the staff focus their energies constructively upon the family aspect of fathers and children post-separation — either in maintaining, establishing or re-establishing that relationship.

This can prove challenging at times given some current government policies, however it offers a positive, preventative approach as opposed to expending energy in "fighting the systems." Secondly, this approach works to empower the non-custodial father towards maintaining and, in some cases raising his profile as a caring and responsible parenting regardless of the fact that the child/ren may no longer reside with him.

In summary, the adjustments required by the non-custodial father following separation are significant and the impact of the event will be determined by the way in which such changes are/are not acknowledged and resolved. This period raises such issues as dealing with loss, identity development and constructive role restructuring. For many of our clients, this requires learning new coping skills, becoming informed about laws and policies and even confronting and changing past self-defeating behaviours. Findings from practice suggest that it is predominantly the love and care the father has for his children which is part of the driving force behind his positive (and in some cases, negative) actions. For in the divorce process families and relationships do not end, they change and the outcome for all members of the family will be determined by how such changes are negotiated.

We would like to finish up today by leaving you with a concept to take away with you that we are constantly using in our work with non-custodial fathers (and which relates very well to the title of this conference). That is, the non-custodial father and his children remain a family, just as do the single mothers and their children regardless of the fact that they may not primarily reside together following separation. Perhaps it is time that we seriously start to recognize and give credence to the vital ongoing father’s role in his children’s lives, and in this regard (this "disjointed" group) they too are a "changing family" who face a "challenging future".

* This term has been replaced by "contact" fathers, but for the purposes of this paper the client group is referred to as "non-custodial" fathers.

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Attachment 1

COMMON BELIEFS/ATTITUDES ABOUT SEPARATION EXPRESSED BY NON-CUSTODIAL CLIENTS DURING THE GRIEVING PROCESS

The order of this list above is non-categorical. All or any of such emotional responses may and often do, occur at one time, with non-custodial fathers. Both anger and introspection are seen as a healthy psychological process throughout the counseling sessions and the feelings are often experienced with a pendulum-like effect for up to 2 — 3 years following separation.